I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER