People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands