Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.