Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.