[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ