I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like