Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’