When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair