Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing