So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please