Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
scared to check what name she chose
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?