E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names