[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Cat.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.