*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You Might Also Like
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I think about this a lot
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
This is I, Robot all over again
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.