If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls