I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
not for long
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.