Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
.. do you even science?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.