*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.