My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲