If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
You Might Also Like
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My neck, my back, my…
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*