COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds