People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.