Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
You Might Also Like
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
watergate? u mean a dam??
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens