I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My inexpensive home security system…
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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