“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.