A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.