Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker