Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
When you’re Kinky but poor
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.