I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?