This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?