bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I was bored.