How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
There is wisdom there.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Oh. My. God.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it