If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
That eye roll….
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.