If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I already tried new things thanks.
Swedish for common sense.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste