Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.