Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea