I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too