My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.