Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
You Might Also Like
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Poetry is my passion
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
craving $300 all of a sudden
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Cause of death: Zumba
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.