I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”