IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
You Might Also Like
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
me refusing to leave twitter
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Ironic
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”