If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Bootstraps
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear