I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’