My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My teenage children choosing violence
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.