I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me recordaron éste meme
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?