No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Otters see a butterfly.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
subtitles are so good nowadays