HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.