On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You Might Also Like
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.