Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
What even happened today?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.