I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Basically.